


Wade Wilson and the Ridiculous Case of Mistaken Identity

by bluejbird



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Identity Porn, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Open Relationships, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 04:54:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15211547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluejbird/pseuds/bluejbird
Summary: In which Wade meets a handsome, silent man in the X-Mansion who seems vaguely familiar, and hooks up with him a lot.Or,A Deadpool PSA: Do you know who your dick's in tonight?





	Wade Wilson and the Ridiculous Case of Mistaken Identity

It was a Tuesday. Or a Wednesday. Maybe. To be honest, Wade didn’t really pay much attention to days of the week anymore. Every day was the same: shoot a few bad guys, fuck some shit up, wash it all down with a drink at the end of the day. His job was hardly a Dolly Parton 9-5 situation, so sometimes he kind of lost track. Whatever day it was, the point was that he was at the X-mansion, X-bored out of his X-brain. The mansion was quiet, so Wade assumed everyone was out on some mission, saving kittens from trees and being praised as heroes. And, admittedly, he didn’t exactly have an invitation to be there, so the boredom was completely his own fault, although if Xavier and his little team of goody-goodies had a security system that was immune to being sliced in half with a katana, then he’d be busy being bored somewhere else. 

Truth be told, Wade had assumed someone would be around. Colossus. Negasonic Teenage Whatsherface. Whoever else the studio currently had the rights for. And it wasn’t that he was lonely, it was just that when Vanessa was at work, he craved being around people. Specific people. Sometimes. 

Wade meanders his way through the mansion, nudging expensive looking paintings off-centre, scuffing the shiny clean floors, poking through Cyclops’s top drawer (who would have guessed he’d have such an extensive collection of adult toys? Oh wait, probably everyone. The quiet ones were always the kinkiest) until he finds himself in the library. Wade isn’t really one for libraries. Too quiet, for one. Too high a risk of paper cuts, for another. He’s about to exit after messing up the carefully alphabetised volumes stacked on one shelf so that the first letters spell rude words, when he notices the man sitting in the window, reading a book. 

The man is very handsome, although Wade does realise that considering the face he sees in the mirror each day looks like a 90-year-old ball sack, his views on hot or not have probably been twisted a little. The man is large and muscly, with dark hair and a serious expression on his pale face, and looking at him makes Wade feel things in his no-no place. 

“Why hello there,” Wade says, throwing himself down beside the strange man. “I thought I knew all of the X-freaks around here. Are you new? Are they putting you through the bullshit new recruit training? Some friendly advice- don’t shoot bad guys in the head while wearing the trainee shirt. They  _ really _ don’t like that around here for some reason.”

The man glances up, briefly. He grunts, then returns to reading. 

Wade stares at him for a moment. 

“What are you reading?” 

He leans forward, reaching for the book, but the man snatches it away, leaving Wade only with a glimpse of text in unfamiliar lettering. 

“Must be thrilling. Me, I’m not one for novels. I prefer comic books: DC, almost exclusively of course. Superman, Batman- brooding heroes with terrible weaknesses that make it impossible to tell compelling stories about. Occasionally Green Lantern, but only the Alan Scott versions: did you know he’s gay? It’s about time someone puts an openly gay main character superhero in a movie. I hate when movies brush over canonically non-hetero relationships of main characters, don’t you?”

The man grunts again, but his lips twitch. Wade doesn’t know if it’s amusement or annoyance, but it’s a reaction, which is all he wants. 

“I’m Deadpool, by the way. Wade, I mean.” Wade pulls off his mask, smiling. The man doesn’t react, which, given the way Wade looks now, is probably a good sign. “You’ve probably heard of me.” Wade strikes a dramatic pose, the kind he imagines the X-Men are trained to do. The kind of pose that wouldn’t look out of place in a Renaissance painting. 

The man sighs and carefully places a bookmark into the book and closes it. He sits up, then pushes himself off the window seat. 

“You’re leaving? Was it something I said? I have a tendency to waffle and not a lot of things shut me up except-”

The man turns, quicker than Wade expected for someone his size, and presses his lips against Wade’s. It’s barely a kiss - it’s more the mashing of two faces painfully together at the mouth - but it shuts Wade up. 

That seems to be the purpose, since the man straightens, nods once, then stalks from the room. 

“Except that,” Wade finishes. He lifts his gloved fingers to his lips like the heroine in a period drama. He can taste something metallic, and wonders where he’s bleeding from now. It’s become a familiar taste, but when he probes around in his mouth he can’t find a source. The probing makes him wonder what it would feel like to have the man’s tongue in his mouth. Or somewhere else. 

Wade hurries after the man, ready to ask for round two, but by the time he gets to the hallway, the man is nowhere to be seen. He jogs through the mansion, to the now open front door and looks out. The man is crossing the lawn, head down, shoulders hunched. As Wade starts after him, he sees the X-jet land on the X-lawn, and various X-Men step off. Wade knows that’s his cue to leave. The last time Storm caught him poking around in her room she made a lightning storm follow him for an entire day, and the sensation was not as enjoyable as the electric nipple clamps Vanessa bought him would have him believe. 

He’s about to make a mad dash for the gate, and freedom from a lengthy lecture from some holier-than-thou superhero, when he spots Negasonic Teenage Warhead and stops her. 

“Who’s that man?” he says, pointing after his makeout buddy. 

She turns and squints in the direction he’s indicating, then turns back to him with a funny look on her face. 

“Seriously?” 

Wade rolls his eyes. “Less attitude, more answers,” he says, snapping his fingers impatiently. “I’m sorry that I haven’t had time to study my Bumper Book of Marvel Heroes yet.”

“That’s Piotr,” Negasonic says, smirking. Wade waits for more information, but she just folds her arms across her body, cocks a hip, and stares at him. 

“Peter,” Wade repeats. “That’s...a boring name.” In fact, he quite likes Peters, and he’s still a bit salty that the latest iteration of Parker is underage, leaving him stuck with out-of-date Andrew Garfield masturbatory fantasies for now. 

“Sure,  _ Wade _ ,” she replies. “Why do you want to know?”

“None of your business, young lady,” Wade scolds, then breaks into a run when he hears a shout from someone who might be Wolverine, and who might have discovered what, exactly, Wade had done in his bathroom. “See you later, sunshine!”

As he runs and scales the fence, Wade knows he should be thinking about just how pissed off Wolvie and the others will be and taking great joy in it, but all he can focus on is how he wants to kiss Peter again, properly this time. 

~~~ 

The thought stays with him for quite some time. Vanessa bans him from talking about it - not out of jealousy, because as she always reminds them, open relationships are healthy relationships - but out of tiredness from hearing the same thing over and over again. Cable growls at him if he tries to bring up touchy-feely shit, and Weasel is...well, no longer part of the franchise for reasons that the lawyers have instructed Wade not to talk about. Domino pretends to listen but actually has her bluetooth headphones in, Dopinder only wants to talk about how to become a hero or a mercenary (he’d be happy with either one, and Wade admires his versatility), and Russell points out that he’s only 14 and really way, way too young to hear Wade’s sexual fantasies about hooking up with some random man. 

Luckily for Wade, the X-Men seem to be too polite to tell him to shut up. At least that’s what he assumes because he’s been in the X-jet with Negasonic, Yukio, and Colossus for at least an hour, talking about Peter, and no one’s said a word. Yukio had opened her mouth at one point, but Negasonic had nudged her quiet, which Wade thought was nice of her. Negasonic keeps throwing glances at him and Colossus, glances which manage to be both amused and judgy at the same time, which Wade is going to have to practice recreating when he gets home because that takes some talent. Colossus looks embarrassed, which Wade puts down to the fact that he’s a 40 ton virgin who’s never been kissed. 

“I just wish I could see him again and kiss him properly,” Wade concludes as the jet lands in front of the mansion. “What do you think the chances are of that?”

Negasonic shrugs. “I don't know. Colossus,” she asks, “what would you say the odds are?”

“Be quiet,” Colossus says, which is the most he’s spoken since he yelled at Wade for almost decapitating one of the villain’s henchmen. He’s the first to stalk off when the X-jet lands, and Wade watches him go, confused. 

“Give it a few minutes,” Negasonic says. “Then head back to the library. I think you might find Piotr there.”

Yukio looks over at her, then grins. “Ohhh,” she says, like she’s just realised something. “Yes, Wade, go and kiss your man with passion!”

“Thanks Yukio,” Wade says, then skips down the ramp and across the lawn. The library is empty, and Wade thinks about decorating the far wall with bullet holes that spell ‘Negasonic Teenage Liar’ when the door opens and Peter shuffles in. 

He looks nervous, almost like he knows why Wade is there. He closes the door and stands with his back against it, looking everywhere but at Wade. He says nothing. 

Wade’s beginning to think that that’s Peter’s thing. Silent, brooding. Literally the exact opposite of Wade. The Yin to his Yang. The normal to his crazy. The Salt to his Pepa. 

“Peter,” Wade says, stalking towards him and stopping only a few feet away. He sees Peter’s eyes dart around, as if looking for an exit. Or witnesses. “You kissed me. And I don’t mean to be critical, but it wasn’t a very good kiss. It lacked finesse. So I was thinking that we could-”

Peter grabs him. This time one hand lands on Wade’s shoulder, the other on Wade’s cheek. He tugs Wade in and kisses him, not as forcefully as before but still insistent. Wade goes with it, parting his lips, letting Peter’s tongue slide inside. They kiss, wrestling with tongues and teeth and lips, and then Peter reaches down and grabs Wade’s ass, making him squeak as their bodies press together. Wade grinds up against him, remembering belatedly that he probably should have undone his thigh holster so it wouldn’t rub so uncomfortably against him. 

Wade fists his hands in Peter’s shirt, losing himself in the kiss. He forgets to think. Forgets to breathe. Luckily his lungs will just regenerate afterwards, which is very beneficial in situations like this. And with that he forgets where he is. 

A sharp rap on the door, from about waist height, makes them jump apart. 

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” says a British voice, which reminds Wade distinctly of a certain Starship captain, from the other side of the door, “but I do need to pick up some books before my next class.”

“Fuck,” Wade says, and Peter’s mouth opens, as if he’s about to say something, scold him for bad language, maybe, which would be ridiculous because Peter’s actions had clearly spelt out that he’d like nothing more than to fuck Wade. Hopefully Wade’s actions had made it clear just how much he’s on board with this plan. 

“Wade,” the voice on the other side of the door says, “please try to think a bit more quietly. I’m not sure some of those positions are even physically possible. And please don’t break the window on your way out, it becomes terribly expensive to have to replace them all the time.”

But Wade is already off running before the Professor has finished speaking, shards of glass and wood raining down onto the lawn as he jumps through the window with a “call me!” tossed over his shoulder. 

~~~ 

The thing is, Peter doesn’t call him. And that’s probably Wade’s fault for not giving him his number, but still! By the third day of no calls, Wade is in a bad mood. 

It doesn’t help that he’s having a shitty day. He’d woken up alone because Vanessa had gone out ‘with the girls’, who, inexplicably, seem to include Domino, the night before. The two have become  _ literally _ bosom buddies, and Wade isn’t one to complain because those are some happy thoughts for him to have during his alone time, but he can’t help but feel a bit jealous simply because Domino is a member of  _ his _ X-Force, so she was technically his friend first and no one likes it when the people they introduce like each other more than they like him. 

Then he’d had to deal with one of those personal injury lawyers threatening him with a lawsuit because of Bedlam’s injuries. Wade had had to go uptown, which he hates, and have a very clear discussion about how all of X-force had signed waivers saying that he wouldn’t be liable for any damage, dismemberment or death. The lawyer had tried to point out that contracts on the back of liquor store receipts weren’t particularly valid, and it had taken Wade carefully placing each and every one of the weapons on his person (including the ones kept in the very hard to reach and unmentionable places) on the desk to get the lawyer to change his mind. 

And then Colossus had called, telling him to join them on a mission. A mission that somehow also includes Domino. Domino and Negasonic sit beside each other the entire journey speaking quietly enough that he can’t hear, but Wade has a nasty feeling he’s the subject of their whispers. They refuse to tell him what the big secret is, so he entertains himself with trying to get Colossus to say ‘bite my shiny metal ass’. 

“I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Domino says in a stage whisper, and Negasonic snorts. 

Wade ignores both of them since he’s too busy trying to explain Futurama to Colossus, too busy concentrating on Colossus in general, actually. Colossus has been weird lately - weirder than usual, at least - and it’s pissing Wade off more than he’s willing to admit. So having a conversation with the big metal fella is actually nice and it lifts Wade’s spirits. 

He’s in a great mood as they take down that day’s bad guys, and they’re all working like a well-oiled machine. And then the baddest of the bad guys does something stupid - tries to escape by shooting Wade multiple times - when they already have him captured, and Wade maybe, kinda, sorta, chops the guys arm off. Accidentally. On purpose. As revenge. After that there’s a lot of blood and screaming, some of it from the bad guy, some of it from Wade (yelling “oh my god, oh my god, that’s a gusher!”) and some of it from Colossus telling Wade off as Domino performs some pretty impressive field first aid and Negasonic calls an ambulance. By the time the guy is taken away by the EMTs and the sirens have faded into the background, Wade and Colossus are nose to nose yelling at each other. The fact that Colossus has to bend down to make this possible just riles Wade further. 

“Enough with the lover’s quarrel,” Negasonic says, causing them to fall silent. 

“Be quiet,” Colossus says to her, looking even more livid than he had previously. He storms into the jet and Wade is tempted not to follow, but Domino looks at Negasonic, says “I totally see what you mean” and starts texting someone that Wade has a strong suspicion is Vanessa. So he follows her inside, sits behind her and tries to see what she’s saying about him. 

“Fuck off, Wade,” she says without looking, and all he gets for his trouble is sunlight reflecting off her phone screen straight into his retina. 

So he slumps in his seat, arms folded, and thinks. He doesn’t know why it bothers him so much when Colossus is disappointed in him. Disappointing people is what Wade does best. He’s done it his entire life, one person at a time, enough that he’s practically got a PhD in disappointing people from You’re-A-Fuck-Up University. It’s Ivy League of course, and Wade would pledge Rho Omicron Omicron Rho (POOP, for those in the audience who don’t know their Greek Alphabet) and would graduate Cum Laude because...well. That joke’s far too easy to make. 

Anyway. The point is, Colossus shouldn’t be mad at Wade. It should be the other way around. Because Wade, at least, is honest about how fucked up the world is, and frankly doesn’t think the bottom-dwelling cunts that they keep having to face, not the villains who want to take over the world with some laughable idea that isn’t going to work anyway, but the ones that rape and torture and purposely destroy the lives of innocent people, simply for fun or from some fucked up ideal they’ve chosen to subscribe to, deserve to keep sharing resources like oxygen and food with decent people. The universe is already running out of those resources and knowing everyone’s luck some purple dude is going to show up and obliterate half of the population to try and restore balance and...well. That’s a whole other story, that he’s going to have to ask Cable to explain.  

So as far as Wade’s concerned, locking up powered villains in The Raft ain’t gonna do a whole lot for anyone, other than build their anger, resulting in even angrier assholes when they inevitably break out. Case in point: Juggernaut. So he’s not going to lose sleep over killing a few bad guys, and he can’t understand why it bothers Colossus so much. 

Or why it bothers  _ him _ that it bothers Colossus. 

“It’s just an arm,” he says, and Colossus whips around to glare at Wade. 

“It is not just arm,” Colossus says, shaking his shiny silver head. “It is principle of things. You cannot do these things, Wade.”

“Whatever, Mr Doesn’t-Kill Doesn’t-Swear Doesn’t-Fuck,” Wade snaps back, tired and ready to take his bad day out on someone. “Maybe you should try it sometime. Say fuck a few more times, shoot someone in the head, then get laid. If you can find someone willing to peel back your aluminum foil to get some, that is.”

“Sometimes,” Colossus says, shaking his head slowly, “you are infuriatingly obtuse.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” Wade says. 

“Idiot,” Domino says, and Negasonic nods in agreement, but there’s something almost...pitying about the way they look at him. Like there’s something he doesn’t understand. 

“Did I hit a nerve?” Wade asks. “Don’t tell me that the Tin Man actually has a heart. That makes you Dorothy, by the way,” he says to Negasonic, who flips him off. “Pigtails and a blue check dress would look darling on you.”

“And I guess it makes you-”

“I know, I know,” Wade holds up a hand to stop her. “You’re going to call me the Cowardly Lion.”

Negasonic shakes her head. “No. I was going to call you the Scarecrow, except instead of straw you’ve got shit for brains.”

Wade gives her a bright smile. “And Domino-”

“Is the Wicked Bitch of the East Side who’ll fuck you up if you drag her into your childish bullshit.”

“Fair enough,” Wade says, wishing Colossus would respond, but he stays focused on piloting the jet. 

When it lands, Colossus stays seated, looking like he wants to say something. Negasonic and Domino hop out of their seats quickly, and Domino’s phone is at her ear as she leaves the Jet. “Vanessa? Interesting development…”

Wade waits for them to go. He feels like he’s supposed to apologise to Colossus, but doesn’t really know why. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing. He doesn’t know. But it’s there, this feeling welling inside his chest like that time a bullet had punctured his aorta and his chest cavity had filled with blood. 

“I’m sor-”

Colossus stands up and looks at him. There’s something in his face that makes Wade want to apologise. And there’s also something that makes  _ him _ want to be the one to peel back that aluminum foil and find some softness in Colossus. To make the disappointment on his face turn to pleasure. 

The thought surprises him. It’s even more of a surprise because although Colossus has been in his spank bank as long as any of the others have, this feels like more than just attraction. And that’s scary. 

Colossus gives him a look like he knows how Wade feels and that’s even scarier. Wade turns on his heel and runs all the way back to the mansion. 

He should go home, but Dopinder has ‘errands’ to run - Wade has found it best at this point not to ask - and he’s sick of getting strange looks on the subway when he’s as bullet ridden and bloody as he is right now, so he heads to the communal showers. 

Wade has never really questioned why the X-Men have such a huge open-plan shower room, mainly because he worries if he voices it out loud then he’ll learn all about the massive orgies they all have and be equal parts disgusted, curious, and hurt that his invite seems to have gotten lost in the mail. But right now he doesn’t care. He strips out of his suit, counting the ‘plink!’ noises as bullets drop out of his skin and onto the tiles. Then he steals some soap from Scott’s locker and sticks his head under scalding hot water. He’s so engrossed that it takes him awhile to realise he’s not alone. Someone else is showering on the other side of the room. 

That someone is Peter. 

Social etiquette dictates that Wade should stay where he is. It’s like the urinal rule. You leave a buffer between you and the next guy. But etiquette isn’t exactly Wade’s forte, so he shuts off his shower and moves to stand right beside Peter. 

Peter ignores him, so Wade rewashes, putting on a bit of a show, soaping himself up, twisting this way and that, like he’s in a shampoo commercial or a really low budget porno. But Peter keeps ignoring him. 

“So,” Wade says, voice echoing across the room. “I’ve had the fucking day from hell.”

He starts recounting all of the shitty things, pausing occasionally to let Peter chime in, but he says nothing. Eventually he finishes with, “and now my friend is mad at me and I feel like an asshole and-”

A heavy hand lands on Wade’s shoulder and swings him around with more strength than he’d have expected, even from a big guy like Peter. He has a moment to size Peter up: he’s taller than Wade, although not by a huge amount, and broader across the shoulders. His muscles look like they’ve been carved from marble, but when Wade’s hand reaches out, Peter is hot to the touch, not cold like he’d expect. There’s tension in the muscle, like he’s holding himself back. His eyes search Wade’s face, and after a painfully long moment Wade realises what he’s looking for and grins. 

“Are you asking for permission?” he asks. “Because you’ve got it. Man, that’s sweet, you’d get along really well with Col-”

Wade wonders if he’s going to have to get used to not finishing his sentences, as Peter pulls him close and kisses him. Wade melds his body against Peter’s under the hot water of the shower, feeling the hardness of Peter’s erection against his thigh, and hoping Peter can feel the aching hardness of Wade’s own. He grinds forward experimentally, and Peter groans, then shoves Wade back against the white tiled wall. There’s a sharp sound, of ceramic cracking, and Wade grins up at Peter. 

“You like it rough,” he says, with a wink. “Kinky! You know, I bet Xavier has a sex swing hidden away somewhere that he uses with Magne-”

A hand encircles Wade’s cock and squeezes. It’s just past the edge of too tight, and Wade opens his mouth to protest, but the grip slackens as Peter’s hand begins to move. It is firm, and strong and Wade tries to thrust his hips forward into Peter’s fist. But Peter’s other hand rests on Wade’s hip, holding him back, ass pressed against the cold tiles. It’s a strange contrast in sensation - hot and cold - and Wade focuses on that as Peter moves his hand agonisingly slowly. Darts of pleasure shoot through Wade, making his arms and legs tingle, making him bite at his lip to keep from crying out. Peter seems to like Wade quiet, which isn’t exactly his natural state, but he’s trying. 

Then Peter is kissing him again, hungry and needy.Wade kisses back fiercely, tasting metal, and hopes Peter isn’t too put off by the sharing of body fluids like saliva and blood and - in a moment that causes Wade’s brain to white out and then take a moment to reset - semen, like the semen that is pulsing out onto Peter’s washboard abs as he gently strokes Wade’s softening dick. 

“Wow,” Wade says. “Wow. Wow. Wow. That was great, you’re, I mean, that was so good and I’m feeling so much bet-”

Hands on his shoulders nudge him down until he’s kneeling, Peter’s sizeable cock brushing against his cheek. Wade is, and always has been, a bit of a size queen, and there’s something about Peter’s cock that makes him want to take out his phone, take a selfie with it, and send it to Vanessa. Except that would probably backfire and result in her comparing dick sizes and sometimes Wade’s ego needs a bit of stroking, not bruising. 

He licks experimentally along the length, and it takes him a fair bit of time, which is perfect as it gives him the opportunity to see Peter’s thigh muscles tremble, and to hear the guttural moan that slips from between Peter’s clenched lips. He seems determined not to speak, not to make a noise, which makes Wade even more determined to make that happen. Challenge accepted, he thinks, and goes to work. 

Wade hums as he slides Peter’s cock across his tongue, and then between his lips. It’s the exact tone of hum of vibrainian weapons - Wade isn’t sure if technically he’s supposed to know about those until the inevitable crossover movie, but he can’t think of any other way to describe it, so the lawyers will have to join the growing queue to sue him if they have a problem with it - and it makes Peter rock forward, sliding his dick further into Wade’s mouth. Wade relaxes his throat - his gag reflex is loooooong gone, and boy are there stories he could tell - and Peter thrusts forward again and again. Wade wraps his hands around the hilt of Peter’s cock, helping to guide it, liking how soft it feels against his fingers. 

It takes a surprisingly short amount of time for Peter’s body to stiffen, for him to murmur something in a language Wade doesn’t speak, and for him to come, hot and sudden, down Wade’s throat. Wade grins up at him as Peter pulls away, then presses the tiniest of sweet kisses to the very tip, and stands up. 

“That was great,” Wade says. “A solid 8 out of 10. Plenty of room for improvement, so we should definitely do it again sometime. Sometime soon. Very soon. Like...give me half an hour?”

Peter smiles, presses a kiss to Wade’s lips. He looks amused, and tired, and satisfied. 

Then he shuts off the water and walks away, grabbing a towel as he walks away. Wade watches, feeling cold now the heat of the water and Peter’s body is gone, as Peter wraps the towel around his waist, and disappears. 

After a moment, he helps himself to some clothes and goes to find Negasonic. 

“What do you want?” she says, when he kicks open the door to her room. She and Yukio are lying on her bed, each focused on their own phones. “And why are your pants so short?   
  


“Hi Wade!” Yukio says, waving. 

“Hi Yukio!” Wade replies, then glances down at the pants that barely go below his knees. “The locker I stole clothes from happened to be Logan’s,” he explains. “I need your help.”

“Obviously.” Negasonic drops her phone and sits up. 

“What are Peter’s powers?” 

She lifts an eyebrow at him. “Really?”

“Really,” Wade says. “I mean, besides excellent handjob skills.”

Negasonic lifts a hand to stop him. “Ew,” she says. “Don’t.”

“Well, well, well,” Wade says. “I never thought you’d be homophobic about two men engaging in consensual lovemaking activities-”

“Shut up,” she says. “It’s not that. It’s...wait. Did you say lovemaking? Are you 80? Are you wooing him, or are you courting? I don’t know which term they used in the 1930s.”

Wade ignores her. “At least tell me his name.”

“I already did.”

“His full name. Come on. Otherwise I’ll describe in detail what he can do with his hands and-”

“What are you going to do, write your names in hearts on your Trapper Keeper?”

“No,” Wade lies. He scoffs at her.  

Negasonic looks like she doesn’t believe him, but also doesn’t want to hear more sordid details. “It’s Rasputin,” she says with a resigned sigh. “Piotr Rasputin.”

“Well, rah rah Rasputin,” Wade says with a smile, already considering whether block letters or bubble writing would look better when he writes “Mr Wade Rasputin” in pink gel pen on the back of his binder. The one where he keeps a list of all of the assholes he’s killed. The one with a unicorn on the front. 

“You know I’m too young to get that reference,” Negasonic says, pointing at the door. “Put it back on its hinges on your way out.”

“Nah,” Wade says, and skips out of the room and down the hall. 

~~~

Because Wade’s life has become being an extra in an X-Men movie, he finds himself in the fucking X-jet again when everything finally becomes clear. 

He’s been on his best behaviour for the last three missions, even though Colossus continues to be weird with him. He’s always looking at Wade like he wants to say something, but can’t quite bring himself to do it. It’s starting to creep Wade out a little, but somehow, for someone who always has something to say, he doesn’t know how to bring it up. And it doesn’t help that after every mission he runs into Peter and they ‘hook up’ - the term that, according to Yukio, sounds much better than ‘lovemaking’. Wade enjoys the hook ups, but an underlying guilt has crept in, and after his fifth conversation with Vanessa where she’d assured him that she definitely, completely, 100% wasn’t jealous and was in fact enjoying not only hearing about it all from Wade, but also from Domino - it was better than any soap opera, she said, which Wade didn’t understand - he was beginning to think that it wasn’t Vanessa he was feeling unfaithful to. It was Colossus. 

Which is silly because Colossus has never shown any real indication that he might like Wade. At all, let alone romantically. Or sexually.  But Wade’s beginning to realise more and more that he has feelings for Colossus. There’s just something so good about him, so wholesome, that fascinates Wade. Plus the fact that no matter what he did, Colossus kept giving him more chances. Like he believes Wade is good too. Like he believes Wade is worth the time. It’s a weird and new sensation, that makes Wade feel like his heart is growing three sizes each day they spend together.

And he should say something. And probably cool things with Peter for awhile, while he figures out what it all means. But it’s all easier said than done. 

So instead he sits in the jet and stares at the back of Colossus’s head and half-heartedly listens to the conversations around him. Mainly Domino - because she’s fucking there again, and Wade is maybe a bit shirty about the fact that she doesn’t have to wear a ‘Trainee’ vest while they fight like he still does - gossiping with Negasonic. Most of it is idle chatter and things he isn’t interested in, but sometimes, they say something that piques his interest. 

“Wait,” he says, sitting up and interrupting them. “Who the fucking fuck is  _ Ellie _ ?” 

Domino rolls her eyes and points at Negasonic. 

“You’re Ellie? You.”

“You think my parents named me Negasonic?”

Wade shrugs. He hadn’t really thought about it. “I mean, in a world of Blue Ivy’s, Saint West’s and Pilot Inspektors...kinda?”

Negasonic - no,  _ Ellie  _ \- shrugs. “My parents were more...traditional than that. My name is Ellie.”

Wade stares at her. “It’s...it’s pretty. It suits you.”

Ellie looks surprised. “Stop being nice. It’s creepy.”

Wade opens his mouth to say something else, but she cracks her knuckles and, to be honest, after the day he’s been having, he’s not in the mood to be blasted through the wall of the jet. 

Instead he turns his attention elsewhere. 

“It’s just Domino,” she says, before he can say anything. 

“But-”

“Domino.”

“But-”

“Drop it,” she says with a toothy grin. Wade drops it. 

“What about you?” Wade asks, clambering around the cockpit to sit opposite Colossus. “Do you have a name?”

“Of course I do, Wade,” Colossus says. 

“No, Wade’s my name,” Wade says. “What’s yours.”

Colossus hesitates. His gaze flicks towards Negasonic - Ellie - and Domino, and when Wade glances at them, Ellie seems to be gesturing him to go on. She stops as soon as she catches Wade looking, and makes a face. 

“It is Piotr,” Colossus says. 

“Piotr,” Wade repeats. “What is that, Russian?”

“I am from Siberia,” Colossus says, and Wade wonders why he never knew that. Why he never asked what his real name was. 

“Piotr,” Wade repeats. “I bet that’s Russian for Peter, right? Peter’s that guy I’ve been hooking up with.”

“I am aware,” Colossus says. And of course he is. Wade has been regaling them all with in depth recounts of each meeting. Colossus had seemed embarrassed with each story, but also had started to seem almost proud, which Wade had thought was a weird emotion to have. He’d expected Colossus to blush - which maybe he had done, because what would it look like for a metal man to blush? - or protest at hearing the stories, but he’d said nothing, merely let the others try to keep Wade quiet. 

Silence falls in the cockpit, and it feels like all eyes are on Wade. He glares at Negasonic, Domino and Colossus. “What?”

“My last name is Phimister,” Negasonic Teenage Ellie pipes up out of nowhere. 

Wade casts a glance at Domino. 

“Still just Domino,” she says. Wade nods. He appreciates the one-name thing. He’s still working on Cher as a future baby name. 

He looks at Colossus next. Colossus clears his throat and focuses on piloting the jet, which seems silly because there’s nothing out there but clouds. 

“What about you,  _ Piotr _ ?” Wade asks, attempting and failing at a Russian accent. 

Colossus sighs, glancing at Negasonic. “It is Rasputin.”

“Piotr Rasputin,” Wade says. “Huh. That’s a pretty big coincidence, right? I mean, you’re Piotr Rasputin. The guy I’ve been seeing is Peter Rasputin. Small world. Are you guys related?”

“You could say that.”

“Cousins? Brothers?”

“Are you that fucking dense?” 

Wade turns to yell something back at Negasonic, but she isn’t the one who had spoken. 

“Did you just fucking swear at me?” he asks Colossus, incredulously. “I’ve created a monster. I ask you to swear one time, one time before I die, and now you’re Mr Pottymouth. How many dollars is that in the mansion swear jar?”

“Wade.”

“How is no one else surprised by you swearing? This is something I feel we should all be concerned about. We need to go and talk to the professor when we get back.”

“Wade.”

“I mean - holy fucking shit! What is happening?”

Wade stares at Colossus, whose skin shimmers then fades to pale flesh tone. He’s smaller, suddenly, taking up a lot less space, and is a lot more human looking. 

“Wade,” Colossus says again. 

“Peter?”

“Piotr,” Colossus corrects. “I am sorry for deceiving you. It is unforgivable.”

“You can look human?”

“Did you think he was metal all the time?” Negasonic asks, shaking her head at him. “How would that even work? Wouldn’t that be super inconvenient?”

“Oh like anything in this universe even makes sense,” Wade replies. “You’re supposed to be telepathic, not have some atomic power burst ability. I’ve just stopped questioning things that don’t make sense.”

He turns back to Colossus. “You should have said something.”

Colossus nods. “You are correct, Wade. I have betrayed your trust. You were unable to provide informed consent without knowing who I was, and I accept whatever consequences come from that.”

“What?” Wade shakes his head. “No. Don’t make it rapey. It’s fine. I enjoyed it. I liked Peter. I like Colossus. It’s a lot more convenient that they’re the same person, because I already have more than enough sexual partners to keep track of. I just don’t understand why.”

Colossus glances back at Negasonic and Domino, who are already helping each other into parachute packs.    
  


“Don’t worry about us,” Domino says. “We’ll take the easy way out of this conversation.” She hits a button and the rear ramp lowers, and she and Negasonic throw themselves out. Wade can’t help but notice that she’s conveniently left her phone on her seat, angled just right for capturing whatever argument ensues. 

“You are an infuriating man,” Colossus says. 

“Aww,” Wade replies. “Love you too, buddy.”

“You are infuriating and intriguing and when I believed you were dying it broke my heart. But how was I to tell you how I felt, without you making a joke of it...and then you were there, flirting, and it was so easy to stay silent and take what I wanted.”

“Shutting me up in the process.”

Colossus smiles and it tugs at something inside Wade’s chest. “A happy consequence,” he agrees. 

“Well I like you too, you big silver idiot,” Wade says, then makes a face. “I can’t think of a good insult right now. Can I give you an IOU?”

Colossus nods.

“Does this thing have autopilot?” Wade asks, and when Colossus points to it, he hits the button. 

“Come on,” Wade says. “Domino has gone to all the trouble to set up her phone to record us. It’d be rude not to put on a show.”

Colossus lets Wade pull him from his seat. 

“And then when we’re back on solid ground, we need to experiment,” Wade continues. “Just how hard is that metal you become, and does your dick get bigger too?”

“You will just have to wait and see,” Colossus says, and then grabs Wade and kisses him. 

~~~

  


Domino picks up her phone, hoping that the camera had picked up at least some of what had gone down in the jet between Deadpool and Colossus. She hits play, and is immediately treated to the sight of them kissing. She can’t wait to show Vanessa. 

Then the screen cuts to black. A moment or two later, there’s rustling sounds and the camera jostles as the phone is lifted up, stopping in front of Deadpool’s face. 

“Neena?” Deadpool says. “ _ Neena _ ? I can see why you prefer Domino.”

“Fuck you, Wade,” Domino says through gritted teeth. 

“Now now,” the Deadpool on her phone screen chides. “Language! I can’t believe you didn’t share with me, your buddy, your pal, your coworker, that your real name is Neena!” He convulses laughing, the camera shaking with him. 

“I’m going to kill you,” Domino says, shoving her phone in her pocket and getting up. 

Wade is lounging in the doorway, smirking. 

“What’s wrong, Neena?”

Domino slides her gun from her holster and in one smooth movement, shoots him right between the eyes. 

“Ow!” Wade protests, shaking his head. “You know I can still feel pain, right?”

“I was counting on it.”

“I don’t see why it’s such a big deal,” Wade says. “It’s a very pretty name. It doesn’t suit you, but it’s very pretty.”

There’s a bang as Domino fires her gun again. This time Wade’s hands fly down to his crotch. 

“My dick? You blew my fucking dick off! Are you crazy?”

“Yep,” Domino says, shoving her gun back into the holster. She walks past him. 

“Vanessa is going to be mad about this!”

“I’ll make it up to her,” Domino says, winking as she leaves. 

“Colossus will be mad too! We were supposed to spend a lovely romantic evening together, boning.”

Domino glances over her shoulder. “I guess you’ll just have to be creative then, won’t you?” 

Then she saunters down the corridor, leaving Wade waving his disembodied dick threateningly after her. 

**Author's Note:**

> A trillion thanks to redandglenda who beta read and cheerlead the writing of this.


End file.
